ONYX

As I type this post, a furry object weighing less than 5 pounds is lounging on my lap. It is asleep, but sounds with a soft rumble. It is a male cat. More precisely, a three month old kitten named Onyx.

Maintaining my cross legged position in a chair has become noticeably uncomfortable. Thankfully, Onyx just awoke, allowing me to rest my feet on the ground. After reorienting himself to continue his current bout of rapid fire catnaps, his body is now splayed against the leather of the chair we are sitting in, which unfortunately curves downward. Gravity and a lack of friction on the part of the slick surface of the chair have colluded to confine this feline resident to a miserable fate: a slow slide off the edge of the chair, and a precipitous fall immediately thereafter. I look on with full comprehension callously, allowing him to slip, refraining from intervening with a shove into the safety of my crotch, and his slipping is so slow and gradual it is almost imperceptible. His eyes are slit, tranquil. He is now clearly slipping. Onyx jolts awake from the sensation of falling and flings out a limb, clawing my thigh with talons extended, scrabbling to recover. I grin with malice, scoot back, and lift his paw. He tumbles to the floor.

With movement freed, I realize I am thirsty. I walk out the door to grab a glass of water. Upon return to the room which originally served the exclusive purpose of an office but now doubles as Onyx’s dwelling, I see Onyx lying on the floor, looking dejectedly at me. His eyes are wide open and he bears a wounded kitty expression. I am apathetic.

I wrote all this in present tense for convenience. The above events in truth transpired 30 minutes ago, but I obviously could not record them instantly. Onyx napped for a bit on the floor in between then and now. Somehow he is again perched on my leg, sleeping. I did not lift him up and put him there, by the way. That was Day 1…. which I will get to.

DAY 0:

THURSDAY 7/17/2014

I had cunningly manipulated my parents into promising to by me a cat on the foregoing date by using passing the driving test on my first try as leverage. If they balked, they would be nothing more than repugnant charlatans to me. After being pressed, my mom took me to PetSmart. There was an individual-run cat adoption clinic thing there. We had our eyes set on a longish-haired, gray and black tabby who pawed at the glass screen animatedly when my mom prodded it. He wasn’t too unpleasant to look at. (7/20/2014 11:20 PM : Currently sleeping on top of my computer). For 95$, we took him in a cardboard carrier. We spent some money on cat essentials and then departed, kitty-containing cardboard carrier in hand. (7/20/2014  11:50 PM spent the last 25 minutes chasing onyx around because he’s rejuvenated after sleeping and was begging me to play + scooping cat shit out of litter box).

Mom bought some groceries. Meanwhile I caressed Onyx while he was in his box and thought of names. I narrowed it down to Guinness and Onyx, both named after black things for Onyx’s black markings, and ultimately decided on Onyx. My mom didn’t like the name Guinness because she said it sounded like ‘gangster.’ We went back home.

I was super excited about having a new friend. My new friend was stressed at being suddenly placed in an unusual and startling environment. So stressed, apparently, that he promptly defecated in two places that he should not have defecated in. It was diarrhea, also apparently from the stress. It smelled abominable, like actually freakishly horrible. I was considering putting him down at this point but (just kidding people) but for some illogical reason I spared him and allowed him to sleep underneath the bed in my old room on top of a provided pad. Throughout the day in my house he did not let anyone touch him, until he was in my old room, vis-a-vis me. After a few moments of hesitation he allowed me to pet his forehead, to which he purred and climbed on my lap. Then he retreated under the bed and refused to come out.

DAY 1

FRIDAY 7/18/2014

My mom decided it wouldn’t do to have Onyx take up a bedroom meant for a human for himself, so we moved him and the litter box to the office, which is looking to be his permanent residence. I still had no idea on how to pick up a cat properly so my mom had to get the relocation done by pinching the scruff of Onyx’s neck and unceremoniously lifting him through the air to the office. I inhabited the office alongside him and closed the door, effectively caging him in for the rest of the day. He was surprisingly amiable, and quickly became accustomed to headbutting my hand, which I learned during my haphazard internet searches on cat rearing was a sign of affection. Without the alarming spaciousness of the rest of my house, he was at ease and disposed to display adorable behaviors. He quickly found his way around every nook and cranny of my computer desk, which I in an opportunistic and attention-whoring fashion took advantage of to harvest likes and attention on Facebook. To my elation I found that Onyx enjoyed sleeping on me in various positions (my ass, most notably). My mom came home to a much better-adjusted kitty who even in the living room could show some playfulness. My friend Tina came over to visit my kitty upon request. Her offering of freshly bought Neapolitan ice cream allowed her entry. We went to the office, the kitty followed, she pet him some, and we watched anime (Zankyou no Terror, Hunter x Hunter). Interposed was a dinner made by my mom. It was nice. Best thing of all that day was that Onyx pooped where he was supposed to. It was looking like I wouldn’t have to euthanize him after all.

DAY 3

SATURDAY 7/21/2014

Nervous. We were going on a bullshit lake excursion thing with some kindred Chinese. Onyx would be alone in the house with the whole area to himself besides the bedrooms for several consecutive hours. I was not entirely confident in his ability to not defecate in places where he was not supposed to defecate. We left the house at 10 AM and came back at 5 PM. Upon return, I roamed the house, sniffing extensively and obsessively. After a thorough survey, I was delighted. Onyx would not have to be personally euthanized by my hands after all. Onyx was very happy to see me back and I indulged him in being handled, petted, and chased around the house lovingly. For the first 5 minutes, whatever direction I walked he would bolt in and end up skidding in front of me. I felt flattered and realized I had power over my kitty through his quickly formed attachment to me, which I supposed was like a dog’s except less clingy. That was also when I realized that cats as pets are objectively superior to dogs. Anyway, we had to leave him alone again at 6 PM to go to a Chinese restaurant to mingle with our kindred Chinese. I felt legitimately bad ditching Onyx two times in the same day : (

At around 8:30 I and some acquaintances (faf Andy, Kevin) retired to my domain to greet the kitty and chill. We greeted the kitty and chilled. This entailed hanging out in the living room, only to stare agape as Onyx relieved himself in a random box I guess he thought was a litter box. It had no litter in it but he still pawed at the base as if conducting a pre-shit dig up. I cleaned the box up angrily and resentfully, resolving to put down Onyx then and there. However, the inconvenient presence of my companions dissuaded me from that plan. Instead, I converted the box to an additional ersatz litterbox as it had already been soiled by putrid kitty essence. Toward the end we took up arms against online opponents also employing the matchmaking services of chess.com. The highlight was when I deliberately ignored one of my companions’ suggested moves, which was an immediate checkmate. Being younger, simpler, and more naive, he did not understand that that move would was the easy route out, and thus not one worthy of my efforts. Instead, in a brilliant series of seemingly panicked but actually prefigured maneuvers, I checkmated the opponent with 5 seconds to go. A stunning finish. Both my companions, at this point as plainly inferior to myself as could be, were struck with awe.

After my companions left and my parents returned, Onyx peed on the sofa and almost defecated on another sofa. He actually left a small dribble of feces on the sofa he was in the process of relieving himself on, before my dad lifted him up and away. The remainder exiting his bowels were deposited on the wooden floor. Following these foul transgressions, I googled “how to euthanize a cat in the most” and when it autocompleted “painless way possible” I modified it for my purposes to “painful way possible.”

TODAY – DAY 4

I WENT TO BIRTHDAY PART OF MOUND SWAG FRIEND. LEFT. WROTE THIS. I THINK KITTY HATES ME NOW BECAUSE I DENIED HIM TUGGING THIS ONE PLANT BECAUSE IF HE TUGGED IT TOO MUCH IT WOULD KNOCK OVER THE VASE. HE WAS JUMPING INTO MY LAP LIKE CRAZTY BUT NOW HES IGNORING ME ; ‘ (